If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
