Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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