why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
