i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
