i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
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I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
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He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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