You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize