I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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