he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
