I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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