I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
