I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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