I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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