CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
