If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
