just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I party with great urgency now.
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