dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
