ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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