The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
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I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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