Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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