When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
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