sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize