I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
