Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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