No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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