She is in my trunk
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
