dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
