"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize