I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
