At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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