even my farts smell like vagina
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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