I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
