i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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