I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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