she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
