well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize