I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This house was built for laser tag.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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