That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
