i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
