I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
its liver damage thursday
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
