I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
