Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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