I could make wine with my vomit
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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