who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
