I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
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And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
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Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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