It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
