FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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