Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
