If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
