i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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