I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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