please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
