You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can you bring me the toilet please
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
