Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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