I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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