My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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